Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
