No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
