Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
