Quick, to the slutcave!
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
