so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
