Apparently you make a good broom.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize