Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
