I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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