is your mom at the bar?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
