hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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