haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
