I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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