my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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