filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
