something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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