Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
