the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
