Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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