I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
