This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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