Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
