a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
