you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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