Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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