sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
