Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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