There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
