I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
