i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
