My liver just broke up with me...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
