it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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