My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
