alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Randomize
