I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
