worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
