everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
