My liver just broke up with me...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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