Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
