I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
