Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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