Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
