My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
