I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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