Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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