he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
