Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
