Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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