Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
