see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
