i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
