I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
